Have you ever tried to change your behaviour and perhaps lasted a few weeks, months, years even to then become de-railed by stress or a significant life event and that behaviour comes flooding back?

This could be many things! Working out, alcohol, binge eating, excess shopping, over working, reliance on others and their compliments, bitterness towards those that have hurt you in the past…. the list is endless. The truth is, we look to something or someone to fill the void, pain and anguish in our souls. When we are managing well, it’s not obvious. But when a significant stressor comes along (which is different for all of us) the neural pathway in our brain that was used for many years, all of a sudden comes back.

In the context or caring for a loved one, mine was the desire to be a ‘rescuer’. In the season of caring, when the ‘chips’ felt particularly low, I operated under the false belief system that it was me that could fulfil the needs for the person. After all, I was empathic by nature, worked in the disability space for majority of my adult life and was good at it. But what that did was drain my bucket even more. I became resistant to help myself and found my worth and value in what I did, rather than who I was as a person. This repeated on a cycle, particularly when there were increased stressors in my life. You know the whole “I was eating so well and then something changed and I am back to eating a block of chocolate?”

What I have discovered about lasting change (from doing it incorrectly and dysfunctionally first for many many years) is that things need to be dealt with at the root level. Where the weed starts, the iceberg begins (below the surface). For me it was addressing why I needed to be the rescuer and where I first learnt that false sense of self. 

If you are in a headspace to read, I highly recommend the book Atomic Habits by James Clear.